Before You Know It

I realize this sounds ridiculous, but sometimes it still amazes me that Jacob is our child and will be, like, forever.  Sometimes I feel like a little kid before God, but instead of a puppy in my arms, I have a child, and I’m asking, “You mean we get to keep him?”

 

Last week I was talking with my parents about plans for next summer, and I realized next August Jacob will be almost two!  He’ll be running around, telling us stuff, throwing food (gah!  I hope not!), having opinions, making jokes—who knows?  Ruling the world, perhaps?

 

It’s been said myriad times before, but it bears repeating:  it is incredible how much a person changes in the first year of his life.  To illustrate this phenomenon, check out these photos of Jacob the day he was born, at one month old, then two months old, and so on.

 

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Amazing, right?  I look back on the photos of him at three and four months and think, what a little chub!  And check out that receding hairline—thank goodness it came back in!

 

Next year so much more will have changed, in ways I can’t even fathom yet.  People keep saying, “Before you know it, he’ll be running all over the place.”  That’s true. And before I know it, he’ll be going to school, reading books (not eating them or rearranging their pieces), playing games, making his own breakfast, helping me clean up the kitchen, taking out the garbage . . . oops, I’m getting a bit carried away.

 

Seriously, though.  I remember one of my friends, who has a child who is older than Jacob, saying at one point, “Wow.  I don’t have a baby anymore; I have a toddler.”  Soon that’s going to be me.  Then a toddler will become a kindergartener, and then a middle schooler, a teenager, a college student, a twenty-something, and before you know it, perhaps he’ll have kids of his own.

 

All this “before you know it” stuff is not meant to be nostalgic or pining in any way.  The moral of the story is that parenthood—and really, life in general—continues to blow my mind.  I’m in the midst of a time when my friends are making their dreams come true—becoming doctors, lawyers, editors (!)—and that’s a kind of coming of age in itself.  And then here I have this little man, who is just on the brink of learning to walk, and I can’t help but see so many parallels between that stage of life and this one.

 

Physically, emotionally, and mentally, there is much to be done in that first year, but even in mid- to late-twenties, there is always more growth to be had, more change to embrace.  Before you know it, life can take you to amazing, incredible, beyond-your-wildest-dreams places.  And at any stage in life, what a blessing that is.

 

An Early Father’s Day for This Mama

Although it’s still a few weeks away, I’m already thinking about Father’s Day.  It’s the same week as John’s birthday (my favorite secular holiday of the year), which means the third week of June is a double-celebration for us from now until the end of time.  And considering I plan dinners and weekend desserts at least a week ahead of time, you can imagine when I start planning for double John celebrations.

But before we look forward, we must always look back, right?

Dreams of steaks and sweet treats aside, last night I had a moment that made me grateful all over again for the blessing of my two favorite guys in my life.  Come with me into my memories, please.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all Inception on you or anything.

Jacob went to sleep early because he missed a nap, so John didn’t get a chance to hang out with him in the evening.  When this happens, we anxiously await a cry for a diaper change so that John can have some face time with the little man, even if it is in the dark.  As I sat in the glider waiting to nurse our Peanut, I remembered a very special moment from just after Jacob was born.

If I think back to brand-new Jacob, the image in my mind is this photo:

I was in a non-clinical kind of shock after he was born.  Although I remember seeing his feet in the doctor’s hands, I can barely remember the first time I saw the little guy’s face.  What I do remember is that as I held him, with John standing over us both, John gently asked, “Can I hold him?”  And it was a moment I don’t know that I have the words to describe.  Yes, I was “meeting” this little person to whom I had been physically connected since he came into existence.  Seeing and holding him was a brand new and amazing experience, for sure.

But somehow I had the presence of mind to put myself in John’s shoes for a moment.  He had felt Jacob kick and he knew the ins and outs of my pregnancy, but holding Jacob was a whole new ball game for him in a different way than it was for me.  Touching our baby, holding him, was something he’d waited for in a physically disconnected way.  There was so much love in his patient waiting, and in the serenely joyful way he asked me for a chance to hold our little guy in his arms.  He was then, and is now, a completely natural father.

I am so grateful that Jacob has John as a dad.  And I am so grateful that I have him as my partner in parenthood.

Every day is Father’s Day in these parts.  But don’t think that doesn’t mean I’ve got a heck of a dessert in mind for the “real” holiday!

A Mother’s Hallelujah

One of my favorite things in the world to do is to drive around my hometown in New Jersey in the summertime with the windows down and the radio up.  I’m not ashamed to sing and (carefully) dance along with the music, even when stopped at a light.  The warm breeze, good music, and no street with a speed limit over forty miles per hour so I feel safe and in control—it just doesn’t get much better than that.

Now that we live in Brooklyn without a car, my opportunities to take to the open road are limited.  But this weekend I had the chance, and with it came something else I love: discovering a new song that really hits home.

When I heard “Better Than a Hallelujah” by Amy Grant, I instantly related to its beseeching sense of hope.  My daily prayer has taken on a new tone since I became a mother.  When I am not thanking God for the gift of my family, I am asking for His grace, for His strength, for His mercy to help me serve my family.  In that vein, check out how the song begins:

God loves a lullaby
In a mother’s tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

Could it be that this song was written just for me?  I have definitely been that woman!

Motherhood, like so much else that is asked of me, can often feel overwhelming, and conversation with God each day, even when I’m too tired to really give it my all, even when I’m not sure I believe it, is the foundation that keeps me going.  Here’s what the song goes on to say about all that in the chorus:

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

I find I relate to this idea differently now that I am a parent, as well.  I have a stronger sense of God as my loving and merciful Father, because I can’t imagine not being able to forgive Jacob for anything he might come to me with.  I love him so thoroughly, so purely, and absolutely nothing can change that.  I want to help him grow, to get him through the rough spots, and, of course, to learn how to enjoy the good things.  If I multiply that sentiment by infinity, I can start to get an idea of how God loves me.

Although the song also suggests a “drunkard’s cry”, a “soldier’s plea not to let him die”, a “woman holding on for life”, a “dying man giving up the fight”, I am so pleased that it begins with a quiet, not-so-dramatic moment with a mother and her child.  It’s a good reminder—for moms and non-moms alike—that the everyday, ordinary experiences of our lives, moments that seem inconsequential, are not to be overlooked as chances for good, honest prayer.  I’m reminded again of the reflection I considered on Holy Thursday, “Jesus doesn’t need our perfection, he only asks for our faithfulness.”

I hope this starts your week off on the right foot.  Where will you find God this week?  Where will you let Him find you?  If you’re feeling bold, leave a comment and let us know!